today’s debate // 2

Oh my gosh. I LOVED everything about last week’s debate! Your responses were hysterical and brilliant, and some of you even managed to be insightful on the topic of Red Vines vs. Twizzlers. You guys are just amazing, and I truly love the way this column is getting us all into conversation! Now that we’re warmed up, let’s move along to something only slightly more controversial.

Welcome to Today’s Debate, where we weigh in on the sublime, the ridiculous, and everything in between! Today we’ve got one that’s a little more sensitive…

Today's Debate

Kids. Darwin.

We’ve all found ourselves in that moment where your friend is revealing to you that she’s about to make a tremendously awful decision. In my experience, these decisions usually involve boys. But it could be anything! A terrible decision at work, or something that involves family or another friend. And you have to grapple with whether to put in your two cents, or let it play out and then be there to support when everything inevitably breaks down.

I wish I could say that I would gently give my honest opinion every time. But I can’t. I think that there are times when a girl just has to figure out things on her own, you know? And of course I’ll always be the friend that’s there for you after the fallout. But I often wish I could be more like my girlfriends that I so admire, who gently but firmly guide me in a good direction when I need it. Maybe it’ll be a goal of mine to get to that point.

Okay, I need to know your thoughts on this one! Do you tell it like it is? Or do you keep your opinion to yourself until the aftermath and then dish out a healthy serving of “I told you so?” Or maybe it’s something in between. Be sure to weigh in! xoxo

12 thoughts on “today’s debate // 2”

  1. I think it depends on the situation. How bad is this impending “mistake?” is it….a friend is dating an abusive guy? In which case, I’d be a shitty friend to stay quiet. If it’s something that isn’t potentially dangerous I’d stay quiet (unless said person specifically asked for my opinion). I don’t like telling other people what to do because I put myself on that flip side. I’d be infuriated if someone butted their nose in my business. Sure, i would be thankful if they would’ve saved me from my disastrous mistake….but I’m more of a “crap, okay that was stupid. Let’s figure this junk out and power through” I’m not a dweller so I can’t imagine thinking “why didn’t anyone stop me?!”

    This would be different if I outright asked for advice/opinion from said person, though. Then I’d be like “what happened? You were supposed to keep me from looking like a whale in that drew holmes!”

    1. Hahahaha! I agree 100%. I think there are certainly times when it’s clear-cut that as a good human being, we need to give friends guidance and direction — like when a situation might be dangerous for them. I guess the scenario that I picture is more like “Hey, I know this guy broke my heart, but I’m gonna go ahead and give him a second/fourth/twelfth chance. It’ll be different this time, right?”

      And I definitely think that it’s just girl code to make a friend steer clear of anything that makes her lower body look like a sausage. 😉

  2. I try to turn it on myself. “If this were me…and here’s why…” kind of thing. This way you clarify that it’s your opinion, and what’s good for you is not necessarily good for them. I’ve found the responses from my friends open and accepting, most of them spark curiosity, and the whole conversation brings us closer. Speak firm, but with love. ALWAYS with love, and go in knowing there’s a chance that you won’t always be heard.

  3. ok I’m just gonna say it. if you’re relationship is strong, it should be able to handle it…. anything. if you see a loved one making a horrible decision, you saying “i love you, but from an outside point of view of someone who knows you as well as you know yourself…. this has the potential to REALLLLLY hurt you…” they should know its coming from a place of deep love, support and devotion and that you have their best interests at heart. and YOU should always feel confident enough to speak up in your relationships. of course, this doesn’t apply to life in general, because sometimes you really do have to just sit back and watch bad stuff happen, but its ALWAYS better to try and have it turn out badly, then to NOT try and watch someone go through something awful they didn’t HAVE To go through. at the end of the day- people are going to do what they want to do. I’m someone who listens to my friends. if they say “um, yeah. this is awful.” chances are- i won’t do it. because they aren’t in the MIDDLE of it and can see it objectively. i am also not of the mind frame “well this is the only time this is ever going to happen for me.” so i have no problem turning away from things that don’t feel right, because i feel that a situation that DOES feel right will present itself in place of the wrong one. at any rate, you can’t go wrong if you follow your heart. be love, and everything else will fall into place <3 miss you merms. always <3

    1. Be love! That is awesome! Be love. I want to make a sign that says that for my house. Anyway! I think all of what you’re saying is so true — I guess I just wish everyone was as willing to listen as you. I think you’re one of the people who, in the midst of a situation, can realize that the people outside of it can see it clearly for what it is. But, I think, there are also people who think that folks outside of a situation aren’t able to make a judgement on it, and and for that reason can’t accept help with it. I guess this is all to say that there is no right answer — it may just be circumstantial.

      1. ABSOLUTELY. absolutely i agree with that. its all the same. you can’t discipline every child the same, you can’t train every dog the same, people are the same way. we all react to things completely differently. you have to assess the situation. but i also know this from personal experience- sometimes you feel 100% BETRAYED by your friends/family when they DONT speak up. like, you have doubt about something but do it anyway and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING, and then it all goes to hell and then everyone says “oh i never liked them. i knew they’d screw you over.” well… where were the people willing to stick their neck out to help?! :/ its a slippery slope for sure. but as i said before, be love. all actions that come from love are the right actions. and you have to trust others (like you trust yourself) that they’re able to handle it. <3

  4. It is in my personality to speak up. Yet, I’ve also learned that once I have said my opinion, I do no need to repeat it. I just keep on loving that person. I cannot control people decisions and the consequences, good or bad, nor do I want to. You’re right, people need to make their own mistakes. But just because I speak my mind doesn’t mean those ears it falls on will listen. I have a good friend, and in her late teens/early twenties she dated a scum bag. After they broke up (very messily), all her ‘friends’ told her things like “Oh, I never liked him” or “I knew he was horrible”. And all my friend wanted to scream is “WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS?”.

    1. Definitely. And I know I’ve been on both sides of that situation! I’ve been the one who didn’t want to hear what my friends were telling me, and I’ve also been the one who was saying “Why did no one tell me?!” Such a tricky thing to navigate!

Leave a comment!

Keep the conversation going! Your email address will not be published.

*